Please Call TB… – By Ato Kwamina Dadzie

“Man of God?”

Apparently, the Nigerian Pastor, TB Joshua, gave coach Sellas Tetteh a few coaching lessons that helped him lead the Black Satellites to win the FIFA Under-20 World Cup in Egypt. And being the publicity seeking type – the sort who never allows the chance to claim the credit pass by, TB Joshua (so-called Prophet) has posted a clip on the video sharing website, youtube, detailing all his interactions with the Ghanaian coach.

On the tape, TB informs the Ghanaian coach that it has been revealed to him that the final match with Brazil will end goalless. But he doesn’t end there. He also instructs the coach that if it gets to the penalty shootout, the Ghanaian player in the No. 10 jersey (who happens to the team captain) should take the first shot. “Yes, I see that penalty will determine, and that penalty will determine the winner,” TB Joshua says on the video.

Sellas Tetteh has confirmed that he spoke to TB Joshua even whiles the match was underway and that Mr. Joshua’s influence played a big role in Ghana’s triumph over Brazil. “He told me we would win the trophy before the tournament and on the day of the game he again predicted it,” Tetteh says. “I believed in him as a friend and a prophet, but I also believed we would win the trophy…to be honest with you and in the name of God, he even predicted the red card booking by the referee to our player (Daniel Addo) and subsequently warned us of the tough times that will befall in the hands of the Brazilians.”

This TB Joshua guy must be very powerful. Isn’t he the same man who is reported to have spiritually orchestrated John Atta Mills’ ascent to the presidency? Now, as I write this, I am having a serious bout of diarrhoea. I ate some banku and tilapia with hot pepper and it seems to have upset my system. Could someone please call TB Joshua for me? I need to know whether I should use my water closet or I should rush to a KVIP.

Perhaps, I should go to the La Beach and engage in ‘free-range’ tie-and-throw. I also need advise on which toilet roll I should use. I’ve been using ‘Jolly’ and ‘Fontissue’ for quite a while now but I am thinking I should also try ‘Rose’, with all its sandpaper properties. I hope TB treats this as a very urgent matter because this is as important to me as the World Cup was for Sellas Tetteh. And I don’t give a damn if he records our conversations and posts them later on youtube.

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